CELL PHONE PARENTING

Amy Dunkin

During our annual Thanksgiving family gathering in Pittsburgh, we got to talking about how technology has changed our lives. One of my nieces mentioned how frustrating it was that her father rarely keeps his cell phone turned on. He responded that he found cell phones intrusive and few calls were urgent, so anyone trying to reach him could wait. My reply to him: "I'm sure you would feel differently if your daughters (now in their early 20s) were 10 years younger."

I realize that parents managed to raise their children in pre-cell phone days. But as a working parent who is physically removed from my kids' daily orbit, I find the cell phone to be an essential tool in staying involved in their lives and being available in case of emergencies.

That means I have the cell phone with me--and turned on--at all times: at my desk, in meetings (on vibrate, of course), on errands and lunch breaks, on the train, even in the ladies' room. And while sometimes it's annoying to hear it ring when I'm engrossed in my work, more often than not I'm glad for the call and that I'm there to answer it.

For example, there was the time the phone started dancing across a conference table and when I slipped out of the room, I found myself engaged in fourth grade playdate politics. Was it crucial that I walk out of a meeting to be party to this exchange? Probably not. But it was important to my son that I was involved.

Another time, a teacher called to say she had been waiting for 20 minutes after school with my 6-year-old because the person who was supposed to get him didn't show up. Now if I didn't have a phone, I'm sure the teacher would have figured something out, but this way I was able to make a quick call to a friend who could pick him up.

I've fielded calls at work from the school nurse when one of the boys wasn't feeling well, and calls from the nanny when she wanted to know what to make for dinner or needed my instruction on a disciplinary issue. But most important, now that they're old enough to know my phone number and how to dial it, I get calls from the kids. Usually they're asking me for permission to do something (such well-trained children they are) or consulting me on a homework question. While writing this blog entry, in fact, my son called to tell me he had finished all his written homework and could he go to a friend's house for an hour if he promises to do his reading after dinner. Small stuff, perhaps, but it tells me they know they can rely on mom, even if I'm not standing next to them. Of course, the quick "I love you" at the end of the call always makes my day.

Sure, parenting by cell phone is not a replacement for face-to-face interactions. But I'm happy to have this option when when I'm in the office and can't be right there in person.

TAG TEAM PARENTING

Anne Tergesen

Working parents make lots of sacrifices. We generally have little time to ourselves. And as fellow blogger (and new dad) James Mehring has discovered in his Nov. 21 blog "Do I Know You?", we often prioritize work and family time over couple time. My husband Jim and I are certainly guilty of that. Things have gotten better now that my youngest, who is four, no longer bursts into tears at the sight of a babysitter. But while self-help gurus generally recommend a regular “date night,” it’s rare that we get out more than once every four weeks or so.

To maximize the time our kids spend with a parent, we do a lot of tag-team parenting, as well. Last weekend was typical. Exhausted after having spent all day Friday with the kids, I slept-in on Saturday and Sunday mornings, while Jim—an early riser—got up to cook pancakes and play baseball. In the early afternoon, we switched: I took the kids to a birthday party and a play so that he could go to the office to prepare for a business trip. I did some work one evening while he put the kids to bed. While most weekends aren’t this extreme, we almost always do some trading back and forth so that each of us can get work done and have a little downtime.

To ensure our kids get out of the city for most of August, we also do some tag-team vacationing. Most years, our summer vacation schedule goes like this: I take the kids to visit my sister in the Sierra Nevada Mountains for one week. Then, Jim takes them to Maine, to spend a week with his father. Then, I join them in Maine so we can have a real family vacation. (We also spend two other weeks away as a family during the year.)

The tag team approach isn’t ideal. When the five of us are together, it’s much more fun and relaxing than it is when we’re down one adult. But short of hiring weekend help—a non-starter, given how badly my kids seem to crave time with us—or sacrificing a week of vacation a year, I can’t figure out any other way.

Calling All Grey's Anatomy Fans

Lauren Young

Any Grey's Anatomy fans out there?

If so, what do you think about recent story line about one of the show's main characters--who happens to be a working mom? It seems to be sparking yet-another Mommy Wars debate. Check out this commentary at mommytrakd.com. Time recently ran a great story about the show's lead writer, also a working mom. In addition, there's been good banter on blogs such Surrender, Dorothy and Parenting Pop Culture about recent episodes where Dr. Miranda Bailey, the mother of a baby boy, grapples with working motherdom.

Full disclosure: Until now, I haven't been a loyal Grey's Anatomy fan. I know, I know. Everyone says it is amazing. Now I think I'll start watching it.

Ode On The Death Of A Favourite Cat

Cathy Arnst

One of the first tragedies faced by most children is the death of a pet. My 8-year-old daughter Jesse faced hers last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, when I had to put our 17-year-old cat Tal to sleep. The main lesson I learned is that children can be so much wiser than adults.

Tal was a Siamese-Burmese mix, which means she had the more annoying qualities of both breeds. Very intelligent but very neurotic, she had a piercing meow and a narcissistic craving for constant attention. She assumed that people only came to visit so they could pet her, and she would meow and pester them until they did. In fact, I think she thought the whole human race was created to indulge her needs. She got away with all this self-absorption because of her extreme beauty, so was also a constant reminder that life is unfair.

Continue reading "Ode On The Death Of A Favourite Cat"

Gooble Gooble Squabble Squabble

Lauren Young

Everyone talks about holiday stress, and my family has its fair share. I have divorced parents, and my hubby has divorced parents, which means we spend a lot of time shuttling from family member to family member when we are visiting our hometown of Philadelphia. The demands of seeing family means there's even less time to hang out with my friends. And now that we have a little kid who naps for two to three hours a day in the afternoon, our schedule is even less flexible. Inevitably, I end up fighting with my sister, my mom, my father, or my stepmom.

While we spent time with our parents and siblings at the Jersey shore over the summer, it's been nearly five months since my husband and I have visited our families in Philly. So it's no wonder that I approach this holiday weekend with a bit of apprehension. Apparently, I'm not alone: Half of the almost 500 people surveyed said what they're most thankful for at Thanksgiving is family, and 41% said seeing loved ones is what they like most about the holiday, according to a study conducted by morefocus, an online research organization. However, 32% of people who said Thanksgiving causes them stress named family as the source of that stress.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for this year--my son is done with along medical odyssey--so I'm going to do my best not to get into a tussle with any family members this weekend.

But if anyone has any good coping tips, I'm all ears!

CHINA GIRLS

Cathy Arnst

ON Nov 17 fellow Working Parents blogger Amy Dunkin wrote here about National Adoption Month. November is also my own personal adoption month, since I received my fabulous daughter Jesse in Nov. 1999, in Every November we get together with the seven other families we traveled with that year to celebrate our "Gotcha Day," and this past Sunday was another reunion.
It is always so wonderful to see the China Girls, and their parents. When we all went to Yueyang, in Hunan province, those many many months ago we barely knew each other--we were grouped together by our adoption agency, Spence-Chapin Services yey in Manhattan, only because we had all filed our paperwork around the same time. We were four couples with no children; a husband, wife and her biological daughter, Marion, who came on the trip; and three single mothers, one who was going back to China for her second child. Our professions ranged from corporate lawyer to real estate agent (and former Broadway dancer) to professor to social worker to health care administrator to me, the journalist.
I was also one of those single mothers, and my loyal and good friend Nancy Bobrowitz came along to give me moral and parenting support. I will be forever grateful. Since she had two children of her own and grew up as No. 6 of 12 kids, she had seen it all. When our children were brought to us, in the garden of the county hall, we were nervous, giddy and most of us were crying. Not as much as the babies, as it turns out, all of whom were either 10 or 13 months old. My daughter Jesse cried hardest of all, and I walked up and down that garden for hours singing songs from the cast album of A Chorus Line, the only music I could think of that strange day. Jesse got all her angst out of her system that first day, however. She woke up in the hotel the next morning smiling and hungry, and for the rest of the trip we joked that she should win the Miss Congeniality award.
Our girls are eight now, and all of them lovely, healthy and thoroughly American. One family moved to San Diego, but the rest of us get together two to three times a year as a group, and many other times individually, so we've been able to watch the progress of all "our" girls. Each has a unique personality. Some are doing great in school, some would rather play all the time, some are learning Mandarin, and Jesse's learning hip-hop (what can I say, she's a Brooklyn girl). Each has some behavior problems, sure, but no different than any other kid on the block. In other words, they are perfect, or at least, perfectly ours!
People always ask me if it was difficult to adopt, and I never know what to say, because this is NOT my definition of hard. Sure I had to go through a lot of process, and it took about 18 months, but the end results were so great that I really can't remember the preliminaries. Isn't that what they say about labor?
So if you're thinking about adopting, take my advice and go for it. And the next time you see a Chinese girl and her Western parents, don't automatically think, "lucky baby." Because it is truly, truly a lucky family.

Do I Know You?

James Mehring

While doing some homework for one of my MBA classes this weekend, I came across a popular economic concept from my undergraduate days. The concept is called Pareto efficiency and the quick-and-dirty description for it is a change that helps at least one part of a group without negatively affecting the rest of the members. It is neat little concept for economics, but as I typed away I was struck with how it doesn’t translate very well into the world of the modern family. Well, at least not my modern family right now.

Before Lyn and I moved into our new home this month, we commuted together to work. It was a convenient way to spend time with each other especially when I had classes. The commute guaranteed about an hour each day together. Sometimes we were even able to go home together. That added up to a decent amount of time each week for us to talk and stay connected.

That has now all changed. In order for our daughter to have more parent time, Lyn has shifted her schedule. She is up at 5 a.m., out the door by 6 a.m., and in the office a about an hour later. Her reward is leaving the office around 4 p.m. I get to spend some quality time with my daughter each morning by leaving later. This all works well because my daughter is asleep by the time I get home from class. And it means Lyn’s mother now has a little more free time each day.

But this is not exactly a Pareto efficient situation. Lyn and I have lost our personal time together. After a full day, sitting down on the couch for a few minutes just isn’t the same. By then we just want to get some sleep. Now that Lyn has to get up earlier, I won’t be surprised if she is asleep when I finally make it home after a class. And since Lyn’s mother already watches our daughter during the day it doesn’t feel fair to ask her to watch our baby for a couple more hours on the weekend so that Lyn and I can have dinner alone.

I guess this is all part of the parenting experience. What we are doing seems, on balanse, right for the family. But I do miss the morning commute with my wife.

NATIONAL ADOPTION MONTH

Amy Dunkin

I couldn't let November pass without noting that it is National Adoption Month.

For untold numbers of American workers who have adopted children or hope to do so someday, adoption assistance has become an indispensable part of their benefits package.

At The McGraw-Hill Cos., which owns BusinessWeek and Standard & Poor's, among others, adoptive parents first became eligible for up to $5,000 in adoption expense remimbursement and one week of paid leave in the summer of 1999. I'm happy to say I was one of the first to take advantage of the program.

Now, more than seven years later, McGraw-Hill has announced it is doubling the amount to $10,000 on Jan. 1. And the benefits department is considering other future enhancements to the plan.

For companies that have yet to offer some form of adoption aid, it's really time to wake up. This is not an expensive proposition: Out of McGraw-Hill's nearly 20,000 employees, maybe 70 have applied for adoption benefits since the program's inception. That's less than half of one percent! Yet because of the benefit, McGraw-Hill is seen as an enlightened family-friendly employer.

In his Oct. 30 statement proclaiming National Adoption Month 2006, President George Bush said: "We pay tribute to the parents who have opened their hearts and homes and helped provide love and stability for young people. By caring for the youngest members of our society, these families are helping our children grow into successful adults and building the future of our country."

He went on to say, "I call upon all Americans to observe this month with appropriate programs and activities to honor adoptive families and to participate in efforts to find permanent homes for waiting children."

Corporate America, I hope you're listening.

WHEN THE NANNY OUT-EARNS YOU

Anne Tergesen

As the days grow shorter and the Christmas frenzy draws nearer, I can’t help but get a little depressed. Add to that the fact that the business climate for magazines remains “challenging,” and there’s yet another reason to feel glum this year: My annual raise—if I’m lucky enough to get one—seems likely to be on the slim side. I’m not complaining. I’m lucky to have a job I love. And like most journalists, I'm not in it for the money.

But low annual raises present a dilemma for working parents like me, who are also employers. You see, our nanny is a hard worker. She leaves her house at 7 a.m. and doesn’t get home until 8:00 at night. She ferries my three boys to and from various schools, playdates, and after-school activities. She supervises homework, cooks dinner, and does laundry. More important, she keeps my hyperactive children from destroying my house (and each other) and teaches them to mind their manners. I know how hard her job is: On the two days of the work week when my part-time schedule keeps me at home, I do her job. And I’m usually exhausted by bed time.

My point? I’d like to give her a raise that at least ensures her income keeps pace with inflation. But if the raise I get comes in below the inflation rate--as I expect--I’ll have to hand over just about every penny of my increase to her to accomplish that. If that trend were to continue, it wouldn't be long before she’d be out-earning me.

My dilemma is probably much the same as my own employer’s: How to keep employee morale high at a time when monetary rewards are slim. For advice, I called Marsha Epstein, president of American Nanny Co. in Boston, which places live-out nannies in the Boston area and live-in nannies nationally. “You need to express your appreciation in some way, even if it’s not monetary,” says Epstein, who has 20 years of experience. Her suggestions:

1) Be honest. “Explain that you like her and the job she’s doing, but because you aren’t being given the raise you had hoped for, you can’t give her the proper raise she deserves,” says Epstein.
2) Think creatively: Consider giving a special bonus to make up for the raise. Or, if possible, give her paid time off—for example, during hours when the kids are in school.
3) Remember to say thank you: Buy flowers on the anniversary date of her employment. Give her a card that expresses how much you depend on her. “Like a marriage, this relationship takes work,” says Epstein.

Guest Blog on Car Seat Safety

Lauren Young

From our colleague at BusinessWeek.com Karyn McCormack.

My longtime friend Mary just sent me the YouTube video that's creating a rush to children’s stores to purchase 5-point harness car seats.

I saw a glimpse of this on CBS News last night too. The video from the Miller family explains how their 3-year old son was killed in a car crash when his seatbelt unlatched. The clip has had 779,531 hits since it went up two weeks ago.

If you have kids, make sure you invest in a 5-point harness seat. Typically, when a child is over 40 pounds and outgrows their first car seat, you're supposed to get a booster seat -- but as far as I know, some are not made with the 5-point harness and are secured with just a seatbelt. My daughter Olivia is turning two next month and weighs under 40 pounds, but she's going to need a new car seat in the coming year.

The Millers have documented their terrible tragedy to teach parents how they can protect their kids. They name two 5-point harness car seats that will hold children up to 80 pounds: Britax Regent and Radian80 (made by Sunshine Kids). The Millers also recommend a site called SeatCheck to find a place in your area to get your car seat inspected, given that many of them are installed incorrectly (as my local policeman in N.J. told me).

This sounds like a lifesaver.--Karyn McCormack

On the Road Again

David Rocks

Traveling internationally has lots of advantages: You’re away from your daily routine, you get to see new places, and you can eat well on the boss’ tab. But it also has more than a few frustrations. One big one--in addition to the usual beefs about airplanes and airports--is staying in touch.

Like just about everyone else, at home I’ve gotten used to having a cell phone for talking with my family and for making appointments on the fly. Sure, you can take some GSM handsets (offered by Cingular and T-Mobile in the U.S.) with you and make calls overseas, but it’s expensive: Anywhere from $1 a minute to $3 a minute in the most visited countries, and even more in some farflung locales (those prices are both for receiving and making calls). Worse, if you have your U.S. cell, locals are often reluctant to call you since it involves a pricey international call for them as well.

Lately, though, pre-paid calling plans have become so easy that you can get a local phone card, snap it into your handset (as long as it works on European frequencies … phones that are dubbed tri-band and quad-band should fit the bill), and be making calls within minutes. I’m writing from Prague, and it literally took me two minutes to buy a phone card, get it plugged into my phone, and start calling. It’s not exactly cheap--outbound local calls set me back around 35 cents a minute and international calls are anywhere from 40 cents to $1 per minute. But that’s a lot less than Cingular wanted to charge me. Better, incoming calls are free, and getting the number didn’t cost anything. I did the same thing in China last year, where rates are lower, and a colleague is traveling in India now, where the cost is even lower still.

Sure, it’s a bit of a hassle to get people to call you on a new number. But if you’re going to spend any time overseas, you can easily get plugged into the local network, and the number is typically good for a year or more, so you can use it if you return to the same place any time soon. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get my kids to actually call me!

A WIN FOR A WORKING MOM

Cathy Arnst

No matter where you stand on the outcome of Tuesday's election, working mothers should be feeling some validation about the rise of San Francisco-based Rep. Nancy Pelosi to Speaker of the House. She's the first woman in that position, and as second in line to the presidency, the closest any woman has gotten to the White House, so far. Best of all, she takes pride in describing herself as "a mother of five and a grandmother."

OK, I know, that's political grandstanding as much as anything, but the point is--when was the last time you heard a male politician boast about his parenting credentials? After all the ink that's been spilled and books that have been published the last few years about how women can't have both high-powered careers and families, it's nice to see a woman who has done well at both, and is proud of it. Who knows--maybe this will inspire more men to place their role as a father high up on their resumes, or more employers to see parenthood as an asset rather than a challenge.

One can hope.

CHRISTMAS IS A CAPITALIST CONSPIRACY AGAINST WORKING MOTHERS, PART II

Anne Tergesen

Last night, I dreamed that Rupert Murdoch and I went Christmas shopping together. He had a big Cadiallac, and I had so many packages, I could barely stuff them all into the trunk. It doesn’t take a degree in psychiatry to see that I’m worried about over-spending this Christmas. I have yet to come up with an air-tight plan for avoiding what seems to be my husband’s and my penchant for over-indulging our kids at Christmas.

But thanks to those who commented on my previous blog, I do have a plan that should simplify the shopping my sisters and I will do for the extended family this year. Of course, simplicity is a great gift to working parents at any time of year. The plan: To have each of our children (my three, plus my sisters’ three) pick out a gift for one cousin. That means that I will buy one gift for each of my nephews and my niece. My sister with two kids will buy a gift for two of my sons. My sister with one child will buy a gift for one of my sons. And the adults? This year, we’re all gathering the week after Christmas at my sister’s home in California. We’ve decided the family vacation will be our gift to one another.

In future years, though, several organizational questions will need to be addressed. They include:
1) Should the adults also do a Secret Santa?
2) If so, should the spouses be included? Perhaps each couple should be assigned one couple to buy for.
3) What about my parents? My sisters and I agree that each of us would like to buy something for them. After all, they’ve put up with a lot over the years! But we don’t want them to feel obligated to buy for everyone (4 children, 3 sons-in-law, and 6 grandchildren).
4) Then, there’s the matter of my single brother. If we apply the same rules to him, he won't get many gifts.
5) Among my siblings, incomes range widely. Should we establish a price range or maximum, so that those who can afford to spend don’t make those who cannot feel guilty?

For help, I turned to Franco Yuvienco, CEO of secretsanta.com. His site, which is free, cuts out a lot of the organizational work. It automatically assigns participants a person to buy for. And it makes sure pairings differ from one year to the next. You can set up different pools for the kids and the adults. And by Thanksgiving, the site will introduce a feature that allows multiple Secret Santas to be assigned to a single recipient (ie: my brother).

Yuvienco, who started the site two years ago with his brother, recommends establishing a maximum price that's comfortable for the majority of participants. When I asked him for advice on how to set up a system so my parents won't feel obligated to buy something for all 13 of us, his recommendation was simple: Have them buy for one person each year and rotate recipients from one year to the next. It all sounds relative easy and painless. I'm glad Yuvienco's site will organize this for me. As a working parent, I don't need another project.

Watch it Wiggle

Lauren Young

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of interviewing Anthony Field aka. the Blue Wiggle for a BusinessWeek article. Readers of this blog with young children probably know about The Wiggles, but if you don't, suffice it to say that they are the reigning entertainers for the preschool set with shows airing twice daily on the Disney Channel. They also write catchy songs about inane subjects such as fruit salad that get stuck in your head for days.

Although I do my best to limit his television consumption, my son Leo is obsessed with The Wiggles. It's a bit troubling that his first words when he wakes up in the morning--often at 6 a.m.--are: "Watch Wiggles."

The four-man band is based in Australia; three band members are working parents. And because The Wiggles perform some 200 live performances on four different continents each year, these dads spend a lot of time away from their families. "It's so hard to be away from home," Field, 43, told me in a phone interview from Dallas. He keeps in touch with his family while he is on the road via iChat video. (I've heard this tip from other working parents--one dad even had a virtual dinner with his kids.) When Field is back home in Australia, he tries to spend as much time as possible with his family and relieve his wife of her responsibilities. "I treasure our time together," he says.

Since he works in the biz, Field pays careful attention to children's programming. One of his favorite television shows is "Blue's Clues." "It actively encourages problem solving," he says. Despite a lot of critical acclaim, Field is not a huge fan of "Dora the Explorer." "People got excited because it features characters speaking Spanish," he says. "I think they got overexcited."

It may seem gratitious, but Field dismisses the American Academy of Pediatrics warning that children under two should not spend much time in front the boob tube. "Television is great for learning," he says.

Indeed, The Wiggles have taught Leo how to sing, jump, dance, and "play" guitar. He's also learned the importance of drinking water and eating healthy foods. Now if they could just teach him to sleep a bit later...

The Homework Summit

Amy Dunkin

Count me as another one of those mothers who frets far too much over homework.

I know I shouldn't nag my fourth-grader to do it--he's old enough to take responsibility for his own obligations. But then I look at his homework planner every night (because I'm supposed to sign it) and I think about what he has to do and how little time he has left to do it. Often I just can't help myself.

I also know I shouldn't correct his mistakes--even though I'm an editor, and correcting mistakes is what I do for a living. So when I see a misspelled word or a careless math error, I have to bite my tongue to keep quiet. As you can imagine, my tongue can get pretty bloody.

Of course, homework is a perennial hot-button issue for working parents. It's the guilt, stupid, the guilt. We never know at the end of the day whether we're doing too little in that department or overcompensating for our time away from home by doing too much.

The funny thing is many of my contemporaries can't remember our own parents getting overly involved in our homework. I'd typically come home, dump my books on the dining room table, and plunge in. Oh, occasionally I would ask my mother or father to help clarify something I didn't understand. But they never hovered when I was working, and I don't think they were in the habit of reviewing it every night when I was done.

I'm sure most teachers prefer it that way. I know my son's fourth grade teacher does. Recently she sent me an email in which she expressed concern that he was erasing a lot on his homework. She wasn't worried that he was covering up his mistakes. Quite the contrary. She'd rather her students cross out the misspelled word or wrong number and write the corrected answer next to it. That way, she can better assess what they know and where they need help.

Reading her message, I felt she was on to me. That I had contributed to all that naughty erasing by 1) not so subtly pointing him to his mistakes and 2) telling him that his work looked messy when he crossed out. (Clearly, I was under the mistaken assumption that neatness counted.)

I needed clarification, and the next logical step was to call a homework summit. So there we were in the classroom half an hour before the start of school, my husband, the teacher, and I, discussing strategies to relieve homework stress--ours and our son's. And when it was all over, I actually felt better.

What did we decide?

1. I should stop worrying so much about the homework. That's what the teacher is paid to do.

2. Homework can be neat, even with crossing out. In fact, it's often neater to cross out than to have erasing smudges all over the page.

3. If the kid is overloaded on any given afternoon--Wednesdays are tough for my son with religious school and hockey practice--he doesn't have to complete all the homework that day. He can make up whatever he doesn't finish either in school or on another day when he's not so backed up.

4. This can't be said enough: It's not my job to correct mistakes.

5. I should spare my tongue--and relax.